Back home..

( From Bottom to Top : The Flight from Phnom Penh International Airport to Singapore Changi Airport. And Alvin and me On board the plane. I can never ask for a more hornier boyfriend.)

When i am back in Cambodia, i dare say it was an eye opening experience and yes!
Shit happens there.

Reflections and quiet time every morning. The many journal entries.

The Spartans.

The Cambodians who are always smiling.

The sunrise.

The kids.

Everything, that makes me feel like i belonged somewhere. To a certain extent there were some similarities and factors that i liked about Cambodia.

Not to forget the people, as in the group of people in the team who i shared my joy, laughter, sorrows and everything with.

I believe there are more to be explored in Cambodia and definitely i misses Puthy, Veasna, Uncle Song, Tina, Uncle Channi, everyone that plays a part in my life during the 13 days i was there.

I love you guys. End of year, maybe, back to Cambodia.

Day 12 - Night before take off

( Some of the pictures which I think totally reminds me of the merry memories i had. There are more than this but putting it all is too much of a work. Guess, i am still my lazy self. Have yet to change.)

Excited yet a part of me wants to stay and continue helping. In short, writing all these is nothing. It's so hard to tell how it has been.

I felt upset for needing to leave yet I can't wait to be back home with those very people who worry themselves about my safety and all.

Cambodia has been great. I love the trip, experience, people and everything.

Definitely i would go back.

Day 12

( Top to Bottom : Alvin and me with Veasna and Puthy at our sleeping area. Me, Puthy and Aisyah at the Playground. I am so missing these people.)

Last day, Sport's Day went well. I didn't share, i loved not to share.

Hint : Read my blog.

I tried to be more open, step out a little, talk to others but somehow i am happy within my comfort zone. Though i thirst to see more of the outside world, i really think i don't know my world just as well yet.

I know after this trip, Alvin would drift further away from me. I continue my life, work, looking forward to COP, Helmi's play. Nothing stays. Everything revolve. I wished it would but it doesn't. I'm still a stubborn shit. Will be as i never found someone or something to ever make me listen yet.

Patheticism, or maybe failure to take note. I wonder how I would react to the letter i wrote to myself in 6 months time. And i still feel that i tried hard yet it's still not good enough. What can i say, people hate me easily. Very easily. Fuck, sometimes i wonder what sets my friends apart from the cruel world?

And my faith, god knows i am lazy thus i got to prove him wrong. So where should i start? Let me think, i should start with me paying more attention to myself and taking note of what are really important in life, religion, values,and deeds. Never too late for changes. Just a question if I have enough courage and initiative to do so.

Ponder.

Day 11 - Before i went to sleep

Something Small Ben shared :

God,

Created man who rebelled (sin);

However god still loves man ( Gave them his words);

Send Satan to earth ( He who lied against god brings sufferings.We suffer not by god, as he loves us);

Man have free will .( God gave us all a chance and he will be the only, Final Judge)

Happiness: You gain happiness by sacrificing for the benefit of others.

Learn to look at the beauty of sameness, the common things. Try to be better to help others, yourself and God's final judgement of yourself.

So never let others judgement affect you. You should know yourself better.

Day 10

( I dug holes, do things i never did before and I can do a Man's Job. :P)

Ai Chin read and share something, about the rules of being human where we have to look, listen and trust. Apart from that, i have forgotten.

For myself, i look, i listened but i seems to not trust.

And why do we always say; I am only human when we make mistakes, looking, listening at the flaws.

And we often take for granted every good thing that happen to us. Why?

I do not know. I am only human.

~I wish to differ from the likes or I would not lead my own life.

Day 10 - The night

(That's me and Aisyah's Vibrating Panda :P)

Dear Self,

Counting down to the few days that i am left with here and still i do not know what i want or really want or time may be the restraining factor.

Clueless as always, and maybe a lot more soul searching or a truck load of shit so that i can finally tell myself what i wanted and definitely work towards it. Super sianz.

Ben is beside me, Jason has been a great bestie. I need zen. Green Tea ice cream, where are you? Emotionally drained. Fuck, sometimes i wished things could go our way. Are there any possibilities of finding happiness by ourselves? Because satisfaction is never enough. I do not know how long I'm going to not have faith in everything?

I got issues with trust. Ponder. And i need to believe.And i love Ben's way of thinking, his perceptions and thoughts.

Day 9 - The later part of the day

( The hut for the rabbits, Small Ben, Me and Aisyah)

Sore throat. Alvin is down with fever. Photo montage. Short messages. Collating and i felt so lazy to carry on life in Cambodia. Missing Michael which I know I'll lose, but trying hard not to.

Life = Work + Play Divide by Memories Multiply by Sacrifices Minus Sad moments plus Age. If only life has a formula, it won't be this hard. And i do not know what i want or who can be my perfect guy? ( We talked about it among me, Jason, Aisyah, Small Ben and Vernisa)

I am just thinking of death and what comes after that and God and religion. My worries is more spiritual thus its hard as i dwell in my world, complex world of unfeelingness, selfishness and what is. However, I am very conscious and worry about what others think of me.

Day 9 - Presentation Day

( That's Small Ben, the motivator and Big brother to me.)

Presentation went well i hope. The translating part sucks. I am like so lost with what they are saying.

Yesterday, Adriel texted me. I called from Cambodia yet he wouldn't tell me. I realised how much I got myself cut off from home that till I can't tell what's actually bothering him. Small Ben was right; all sunrise are the same but the environment, situations, those little or large factors made it different. Makes me wonder too, how cut off the Cambodians are from the world?

And i still feel that there are still many "hidden" things that some people are keeping to themselves. And, Alvin who was sitted in front of me suddenly came to mind. Suba's friend, for a 19 years old, he looked old or should i say, matured. Haha. He's a friend.

And i still doubt myself in everything. Insecurities, everything. Not to forget those that seems unaccepting. What did i even write? And sadly Alvin fell sick later in the day.

Day 8

( Top to Bottom: Li's Sister, Myself, with Jason and Small Ben)

Monday,
I guess I ain't as ra-ra as I am. Moodless and yes, we're only human. Yet, it is still so hard to absorb that reality because everyone want others to do things their way, think like them, act like them, but we're not apes.

I don't believe in evolution of apes to humans. Apes are loyal, think alike, react alike, and it seems like they've got no differences other than its species, look and maybe length of hair.

We humans tried so hard to sort out our differences till we forget that similarities are the ones that brings us together. Thus so, nothing is ever good enough. I say my life is/was neve good enough for me. I greed for more, I want a perfect life.

The irony is nothing is perfect, Life ain't perfect. So what is the perfect imperfection?

Day 7's Shopping

Let's just say that i bought what is cheap and can be used properly and appreciatively. If there was such a word.

Sometimes why do we care so much about our language when its the gestures, actions that matters because English isn't everything. But a border that sets us apart.

That's what i think.

Day 7

( That's Alvin. The guy in the picture. So... MAT!)

Morning sharing. Alvin shared his story about how fortunate we are. I guess we Singaporeans are far too pampered. We expect the expected and definitely majority failed to adapt easily to poverty. If i could share a thoughtwith the world, may i say this;

God is fair. He made the poor who can work better than the rich, appreciates life more than the rich and I realised the rich are far poor than those who have hardly enough to eat. We take things for granted, blamed god for every misfortune, never thanked him for every blessings. Thus god is fair, he made us all poor because money isn't everything. And at the end of this life, it's the deeds,virtues,values, that will give you that little piece of heaven. Not status, wealth, or how much you manage to keep yourself alive.

Day 6

( Top to Bottom: The Streets in Phnom Penh, At the Royal Palace, Group Pic at Royal Palace and City Cat Restaurant which is Halal. :D)

Our first weekend, looking forward to it. A lot of pictures to take and i still need to get a montage done. Nothing is impossible.

Handwriting starts to suck big time! (Random)

I realised making friends is easy but accepting is hard. I guess I am picky so honestly, I can't clique with the two girls. I don't know why. Maybe my world is more about one self, mine in this case, and my selfishness. Unfeeling and nothing is permanent. Thus having good friends now are great but in the long run, we'll be forgotten. So have fun while you can because life ain't a bed of roses and we're all from that decomposing piece of matter, part of the Earth.

Nothing significant.

Once in the ground, we'll rot and our body disappears forever. So what comes after death?

Oh god, i do believe in you. I just need more initiative and motivation. Thus i pray not for you to help me but me to help myself. If i ever wanted a little piece of heaven, I should do what it takes because at the end of this life, is the person and nobody else. Plus you as a Guardian, Guidance and the Mightiest. Amen.

Day 5's Highlight

( Top to Bottom: Pictures from our Community Visit)

Visit to Makcik's House, trip to the market and watching her cook our lunch.

The trip to the market 4 person on a bike not that bad. Well, in Cambodia at least.
Went to her stall, the other market across town and yeah, eye-opening and indeed we shouldn't really take things for granted.

A chicken there costs S$10.

Went to the Muslim village where makcik stayed all her life. The mosque or maschet as they spelled it,cemetery, her two story home and family really makes me think and hopefully when I get back, there would be more courage to change myself.

Humans are afraid of changes; or maybe it's still about adapting?!

Day 5

(That's Li, the little girl who never fail to put a smile on my face. I miss her. She is one of them who prove to me that simplicity is joy and no matter how hard life is, there could always be joy and laughter.)

It's Friday, a week has passed and the weekends is just a day more.

Coming to terms to the way we live without our Singapore's lavish lifestyle, taste of poverty of some sort makes me wonder why its hard to live this way back in Singapore? As i find it rather a good thing. Simplicity.

I believe some of us back home, works job we hate to buy things we don't need. The people of Cambodia, seems to be of the other way around. No fancy clothes, game consoles, but just the basic necessities of life. Food is food. No rants. And looking at the kids here, i dare say our parents has pampered us too much, till we're spoilt. Difficulty in adapting to others' way of life as we're so used to having things our way.

For myself, I've got to accept that simplicity is joy.And we shouldn't take things for granted.

Time to get back to reality and life ain't a bed of roses.

Day 4

Trauma.

Confessions, emotions, it's like a court ordeal where we have to make our selves known.

I really need to understand gender sensitivity Having too many males in the family ain't a good thing. Thus, leading to the point of Reserved Judgement.

So, don't know me, don't even dare to judge me.

Humans need to know that no one lives similar lives and Acceptance is vital and as always;

We had fun.

Day 3

Pet's Corner

Formation of the Spartans as a motivation for us to work together and get the job done.

WE DIG HOLES LIKE WE NEVER DIG BEFORE.

Day 2

( From Left to Right : That's Alvin, Big Ben and Wei Song.)

Was appointed Food I.C with Jason.
Dig holes, dismantled the playground.

I didn't really take much pictures actually.
Maybe because i tell myself, telling won't be good enough, showing won't be good enough so;
why not go to Cambodia and experience it yourself?

Made new friends, Alvin, Big Ben and Wei Song. It was a funny experience and i dug holes with a hoe.


However, god knows, how i can get so close with these 3 guys who i don't even know well before the trip and have never spoken to before either.Hmmm..

And i bathe naked with Aisyah.LoL.

Day 1

Reaching Cambodia at first was a big shock.

Read and heard about the Khmer Rouge.

Saw how the city was, not so sure how the province we are going to was...

Trauma.

I had difficulties fitting in and still sticking to those i knew. Human nature, we stick to what we are comfortable with, in this case, i wished to be closer to home.

Aisyah, Vernisa, Wei Quan, Small Ben and Jason seems to be the only friends i had. The weather is hot, place is dusty . ( Big Ben called it "Dust-bodia")

Yup, worst than China. Oh well, it's only the first day. And i am here to learn and sometimes wonder to myself, Why can't I be this independent back home?

Could it be i am way too pampered back home?